what ever do i do now?

Ellie Van Gorden - Senegal


December 19, 2018

i asked myself a version of this question right around the time i got
rejected from college last year and was in need of a serious pep-talk.

at that time, my answer was “go change the world”. now, my answer is the
same, but my perspective is *quite* different. although my physical world
has expanded, my focus has shifted inwards. i no longer wish to do and hope
for change to come to me, i am going to pursue personal change and hope to
do what i feel authentically expresses myself.

with each passing day, and each unique setting sun, new opportunities
emerge. and with them…consequences. i no longer see these as negative;
simply chances to grow and learn and strengthen my core disposition and
soul.

opening my mind & heart to feelings that, in the past i attempted to
ignore, has elicited a sensation of existence that i have yet to experience
in my brief 19 years here on earth. whether i be in a state of pure
contentment, or drowning in sorrow, i maintain my core value of peace. with
this, anything is possible. i sense a power that has never been sensed
before.

the power of calm.

amid the entropy – i am balanced.

i have so much farther to go, but i gather my thoughts here and now to
share merely a bit of my journey.

*i must note, i had no expectation of this year being more about intangible
change (even though i was told by many that it most certainly would be),
but so it goes, and so it continues to emerge as the most profound of
happenstances thus far*

Ellie Van Gorden