Hey! I’m back. I know it’s been a while. I finally found a moment to sit and write something…
Have you ever regretted everything you did and didn’t do after saying goodbye to someone?
I have… I always do regret the past
Since the beginning of my experience with GCY, I have said goodbye for countless times.
After every goodbye, I often feel numb from the reality and out of sudden the wave of memories floods into my mind. I have the urge to do something often big and special to a person I said goodbye to as an attempt to cover my regrets. I always feel like I wasn’t being good enough to them when they were with me. I feel like I could have done more things with them; we could have been closer, could have had deeper conversations, they could have liked me more.
As an international student, my life is basically a compilation of journeys. Each of them is full of sad goodbyes. I left a place full of memories and relationships to be at another place building new memories and relationships. Sometimes, I got tired but mostly I think I’m tired of how I regret the past.
Well, this blog shouldn’t be about me sharing/complaining about my sad habit so let me get you guys updated about my life in Ecuador.
First of all, I moved to a new host family and a new community. My new home is situated in a middle-size city called Gualaceo (but if you compare it to my previous community Gualaceo is a big city). I bet most of you guys know “Gijs”, my Pearson co-year so we live a block away from each other now. I think we even lived further away from each other when we were back at Pearson. The point is if you want to know more about my new community, you can check Gijs’ blocks. He has written about Gualaceo quite a bit.
Now, let me introduce you to my new life; start with my new host family. I have a host mom who has the same age as my real mother in Thailand and my host dad who also has the same age as my real dad. I have 3 host BROTHERS!!! First, let me tell you that I have 1 younger brother and I was so fed up with the word brother since when I was 13 so 3 brothers are a big deal for me. Matias is 7 years old and I got to spend time with him a lot since our schedules are matching. David is 13( the same age as Pete, my brother in Thailand). He has afternoon classes so I only spend time with him after 7pm and during the weekend. Nicolas is my big brother, who studies in Russia and he is 21 years old. During my first 3 weeks with my new host family, Niko was in Russia so I kinda felt like I had 2 brothers. 2 days before Christmas, Niko came to spend his vacation with his family in Ecuador. My house is so adorable and cozy because my host dad is an architect and my mom loves decorating the house. I have a lot of cousins and relatives so there were many names and faces I needed to memorize. For almost a month, I had relatives from New York staying over and that was when my host mom was worried about my Spanish.
My new apprenticeship is awesome! Some of you know that I love working with children and yeah here I found a perfect job. I work at a school for kids with special needs, where they have students from the age of 4 up to 20 years old. I mostly work with the youngest kids so the 4-year-old ones. All of them can’t speak due to their disability but some of them can pronounce my name. Therefore, it didn’t take long for me to fall in love with them and my work. I walk about 10 minutes to get to the school and my tasks are entertaining, feeding, and taking care of the kids. I really enjoy it because it’s my passion.
I think that’s enough about the update part. Let’s get back to my main point about Goodbye.
I didn’t get to say goodbye to the most important woman in my life, my grandma. I lost her forever on January 18th and the last time I talked to her was a week before. I never have thought that would be the last time I got to talk to her. I was expecting to see her in May when I’m done with GCY but I won’t be able to see her anymore. It leaves me more than numb; I’m heartbroken. I wish I could have more time with her; I wish she would be there for me when I get home.
Another reason why I want to talk about this is because I just had a difficult goodbye. It was for Niko, the first older sibling I’ve ever had ( My host sister in San Bartolome is 30 so I didn’t really feel like she is my sister more like an aunt) He was here for almost two month and it makes up about ⅔ of my time with this family. I must admit that I’m missing him quite a lot. At first, I didn’t think we would be close because we seemed to be so different in many ways. Who would have thought that he would have helped me through my difficult times. He also introduced me to his friends and now that he’s gone I still have people to hang out with. As a big sister, he makes me wish I had an older sibling. Our goodbye was actually pretty nice; not too sad at least. I feel like I was almost at my best when we were together yet I still have many regrets. I want to go back to fix and add some memories. Aghhh, what’s wrong with me? I have many appreciations for him and that inspires me to write this blog. I learn from my past goodbyes on how to regret less and I’ve been working on perfecting the next goodbye. I hope that when the next goodbye comes, I won’t have to regret what I did and didn’t do. I know it’s impossible but I’m going to try my best. It’s not only for me but for the memories of me and a person I say goodbye to. If you have any tips on how not to be “too sad” after a goodbye, let me know. It would make my life a bit happier…