Stuck In A Doorway

Christina Chevie - India


September 15, 2019

I want more than anything right now to say that I am happy. I want to tell you how in love I am with the city and with life. In fact if you ask me, that is what I will tell you. But I  have to be honest with myself. I am struggling. I am afraid. Being here on the other side of the world in a crazy chaotic place oceans away from anything familiar. I do not feel like myself not even a little. I feel as though I am removed from myself living in my body but so out of touch with my mind and who I am.

 Yesterday I reluctantly pushed myself to take a simple walk outside alone. I got dressed stuffed 180 rupees into my pocket, got my keys, slipped on my shoes opened the door and froze. I stood there breathless in the doorway. The only movement coming from my shaking hands and pounding heart. Why could I not stop my hands from shaking so violently? What was I so afraid of? The same 9  words echoed in my mind. “We must travel in the direction of our fears”. A phrase I was once able to live by, now seemed to mock my current state of cowardliness. Defeated by my doubts, I slowly closed the door. I removed my shoes and walked wearily back to my room, like a sad cartoon character who had just lost the race. I descended upon my thin cushion on the floor, closed my eyes and went to sleep.

 I was so ashamed. I was always so strong so independent. I always believed I could do anything and now suddenly I am too afraid to go outside. Today though, I've realized something. I am not myself. My mind, my personality, it has not arrived here yet. And that's okay because I am going to give it time to come back to me. I will not beat myself up. I will choose to give love to  myself and know that I am trying. I have faith that in a few weeks, I will be more independent than I was back home. I will remind myself that it is only day 4. I am choosing to believe that I will learn to conquer this. I am choosing to take victory in the fact that I made it to the door.


Christina Chevie