Questions. Thoughts. Feelings

What are you doing? What are you thinking? Where are you going? What’s the point? What is life? Why do we live? What meaning do we have? Do we have a set destiny? Can we change anything? Are we just here for the ride or can we choose every part? Why did that happen? Why am I like this? How do I make myself better? Where will I… What do I… How are… Were they… Why is… When… How… Maybe… Where… Why… What’s….. Why do I feel so numb… STOP. Stop the thinking and just be. Things will come as they will. Live life to the fullest. Love, be happy, be kind, be amazing. That is why I’m here, to get to my roots, my fundamentals, my light inside. See, these past years were rough and a lot of feeling’s got repressed to a point of being unhealthy and I thought it was time to change that.  This is to my healthy life, this is to my future self, this is to my happiness. Now, I know happiness is a choice, you can wake up and choose to be positive instead of negative but what’s the point when you’re not happy about yourself? What’s the point to do all of this if you’re not happy? I started this program with a feeling of I had to do it. Not knowing why but trusting my inner compass, I signed on. Three weeks ago I realized why I did so. Deep within myself an animal awakened. It looked around and roared in anger and hate, sorrow and unhappiness at all the destruction around and inside. It looked at the wasted high school years and the lackluster finish to my  swimming career, it viewed the torn apart family and saw all of the hate, it saw all the bridges burning in the distance and screamed one question, so loud that it could never be forgotten or ignored. Who am I? Who is Nikita Dolin?

To my sunshine, to my might, I say, let there be light.