First uncertainties

Confusion. भ्रांति

Uncertainty about what it is happening.

It was a warm August morning. I found myself alone, seated in a plane towards San Francisco airport. A 12 hour-long spiral of emotions overtook me as I saw Europe for the last time. Goodbyes had started feeling normal to me. After attending a UWC school in Bosnia-Herzegovina for the last two years, the feeling of belonging to a certain place had started to progressively leave me. 

I no longer had a home. A tear dropped down my face. 

My heart belonged to the Balkans and all the incredible people I met there. A place where I no longer belonged to. A second tear fell. 

I was going to be away from the place where I grew up, away from my family and friends. Again. A third tear fell. 

I looked around me. The girl seated next to me was listening to music and absently looking outside the window. She didn't realize that I was crying. I really was alone. I really was traveling for the first time outside Europe. I really was going to the US. I really was going to India.

And then I stopped crying.

I saw myself reflecting on this moment during my stay in the university of Stanford, where the launch of the Global Citizen Year program took place. In one of the sessions Abby Falik, the founder of GCY, said a phrase that stood to me: "Life is like monkey bars. You have to let go the bar behind you to be able to reach the one in front".

And in that moment I felt that I was ready. That it was okey to feel confused about my place in the world, about what to call home and about where I felt my heart was. Confusion was necessary for me to reach the next bar from the monkey bar I am hanging on.