Today I had what I think came close to a break down. I was stressed and frustrated with my life in all aspects. I’m in India, I should be riding elephants, attending extravagant festivals, and overall collecting all these ridiculous stories EVERYDAY.
If I didn’t do this I was wasting my time.
I have this strange nagging feeling, if I am not going somewhere ANYWHERE, I feel like I am wasting my life. Literally, I feel this pretty much every day.
While this idea can be incredibly productive- pushing me to go and push my limits in some way- it can also be quite detrimental. I often forgo simple activities in favor of their more embellished counterparts, and sometimes I miss out on incredibly meaningful moments. It’s a hard tug and pull I don’t feel I’ve conquered completely.
Do I spend this night watching movies with my parents? Or go out on a night on the town with my friends? I sometimes can’t figure which way to go.
Today I went out once, to retrieve my my phone I left at work. That’s it… And I came home. Now my mind completely discounts my whole week of going out all the time cause YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING TODAY TIMIA. IM NOT TALKING ABOUT YESTERDAY OR THE DAY BEFORE. EVERYDAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE MEMORABLE, YOU’RE WASTING TIME JUST SITTING AT HOME.
YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME!!!!!!
After my daily nap, I woke up tense and frustrated and over this whole country. I can’t go out everyday without making my host family feel bad, I can’t travel alone with my terrible hindi, I can’t do anything!
Helplessness clouded my mind. I felt like a trapped rat, I wanted to go home. At home I spoke the language, at home I could read, at home I could blah blah blah.
I left the roof disillusioned for a moment that india has given me all she could, at least with this present arrangement. Maybe when I could travel freely she’d give me more, but for now, I think our relationship had reached its peak. It was time to hurry and call it quits before the relationship soured.
I went down to get some chai, as chai has always calmed me, and I knew I was being emotional.
I don’t know what happened but my mom told me to wait on the chai and placed a basket of string beans in front of us. We proceeded to get the peas out of string beans by our hands to occupy our time.
It was a silent endeavor. No words shared even when my sister in law joined. We just simply got the peas out. I must say this was one of the most powerful moments in India. Crazy right?
But I completely relaxed and something reminded me that small was beautiful. These were the moments I would remember 20 years from now. I wasn’t wasting my time cooking with my mom or playing with the kids. I wasn’t being unproductive engaging in our daily tea breaks or nap times. This trip isn’t about seeing monuments or going to crazy events. This experience is about human connection.
I feel it. I feel content with my family. I feel content with my life. I needed a reminder. Don’t let your expectations get in the way of being present.
Small is beautiful guys, don’t forget it.
PS. Here are some of my favorite spots in pune.