What’s Next?

Deonte' Lee - Brazil


October 29, 2015

 You hear about all of these exceptional people and their stories either coming from poverty to success or from failure to success but what about the reality of those who don't succeed? You don't hear about them because they don't matter society indirectly says, but you know them. The reality of thinking about the future is that if these people succeeded so can I, everyone has this fixed mindset but what if you don't succeed, not everyone is intended to lead successful lives. 

My fear is not succeeding, it's rooted in not having the ability to do. I want to do something with my life and at this moment, this very moment while writing this blog I have done things in my life that can lead to success, but what's next? The idea of this program or at least from my understanding is to give an individual the opportunity to have experiences that will impact and prepare them for their future endeavors. For myself, I have had great experiences that will most undoubtedly impact my future decisions and my perspective on life but what will I do with these experiences after I leave the program and attempt to start my life? 

The next step is college but is it, is college really what's right for me? Every time I begin to chip away at the college application trying to sculpt my Michealangelo, I am faced with depression, anxiety, and the remembrance of last year's failure. Looking back and connecting the dots like Steve Jobs I have understood that from that horrific failure I have come to this enriching experience and have shared many laughs, epic failures at language, and times of getting lost with some of the most amazing people of my generation, the people who wish for more out of life, as I do.

Right now, I suppose I am just stuck in my rut of questions. I feel that this is what is supposed to happen to lead to great things but the uncertainty of everything, sucks. Thinking about becoming an adult in this fast paced you're in, you're out kind of world, sucks. Thinking about what career you'll have for the rest of your life until you die, sucks. I'm sure that everyone who has impacted our world or gained success in someway has contemplated these questions as well, but hearing people discuss their triumphs from humble beginnings makes they're hardships seem easy because we as the listeners of their narratives were not there. We were not present in their struggle and did not witness their moments of doubt, because quite frankly no one is optimistic all the time. I don't know what's next, but I know that tomorrow I will go to my job to write my report for the week, and after I'll go to my other job at the LGBT organization, throughout the day there will be opportunities for my next great enriching experience maybe my life will change tomorrow from this possible experience who knows, I don't. What I can say is that although this post seems pessimistic I'm glad that I have the opportunity to contemplate the reality of what I want out of my future instead of blindly going to college to pursue a career track that could turn out to be the very death of my happiness. 

The inspiration for this post came after waking up today to find a small pool of blood in my eye, and thinking oh fuck I have another problem. After frantically searching the Internet I found that I had a subconjunctivial hemorrhage and that it would go away after two weeks. The next thought that came into reality was to start doing college stuff since I had the day to rest, but I just slept.

Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.

 By A.A Milne the creator of Winnie the Pooh

Feelings: Lost, afraid, anxious

Deonte' Lee