The difference between knowing what you want and knowing how to find out what you want…
Today I got lost. Not ridiculously, terrifyingly lost, but lost. I didn’t have a firm idea of where I was, and additionally, I didn’t really know how to get where I needed to go. I’d been thinking about blogging for that whole last week, as I needed to write a post about my experience in Brasil so far. I had no idea what to write about. Out of everything I had expected, I never thought I would be at a loss for words. As I thought about it more, I realized it wasn’t because I had nothing to say, but because I had too much. I had thought about every little thing I was doing. The way I stepped on the ground. How the sand felt beneath my feet, the sound the wind made when it blew against the ocean. They are all beautiful aspects of life but I kept turning these little things into big metaphors and putting meaning behind them and thinking that this would somehow define my journey so far. It didn’t and still doesn’t.
During the two or so hours I spent walking on a relatively un-tread path barefoot trying to find my way back to my house, I had a very long conversation with myself.
What I found was that what I really needed to do was CHOOSE what to write about. I had to know what I wanted. That was the problem.
Throughout my life I’ve taken great pride in not knowing precisely what I want. It seemed liberating and less pressuring to me. I liked having a schedule and priorities and whenever I got bored with life, I did something a little spontaneous and everything was alright. Basically, I never had to make an open decision about much and when I did I usually had a number of choices to choose from. But now, ironically, here, I feel less limited than in the United States. I must now face the reality that I need to start making active decisions and figuring out what I want, from everyday life to long term endeavors.
The contradicting element in this whole epiphany of mine is that I detest the idea of labeling someone as something or saying, “I want to be this or that.” And thats the problem with a choice, because once you choose it seems like you have no more options.
The compromise I’ve come to is that I don’t have to decide where I’ve come from, I don’t know the future and even if I decide where I want to go it doesn’t mean I will end up there. But, I do want to take a path. I don’t need to know where it goes but I would like to know what makes me feel stimulated, and keep going with it.