Ready or Not

Natalie Kirunda - Brazil


March 6, 2020

1:30AM thoughts and vibing to daniel caesar, sufjan stevens, & sleeping at saturn, some of my favorite artists. I feel emotional because I understand that my time is wrapping up here. I am more than excited to see my family again, but I know I’m not ready to leave the country I now consider my third home. When I think about it, I can not believe how fortunate I have been to be able to have another home, everything I am becoming, everything I am taking back home with me is because of my experience here in brasil and I could not be more grateful. Every night I reflect on my day, my emotions and feelings, my health, and then my life. It is when I can be alone with my thoughts and myself free of judgement. There is so much going on in this head of mine, thoughts moving so quickly like they have somewhere to be, when instead they’re making way for new ones. I’m genuinely happy, and I can say that because of what I have learned and discovered about myself. I know this feeling of happiness, but I am also very genuinely tired. Tired of thinking, or maybe it’s because I don’t know how to control my thoughts, but then are my thoughts meant to or supposed  to be controlled? I do not understand. My head feels like a puzzle that can not be solved, but then I think that maybe it is not meant to be solved. Being here alone, is teaching me how to care for my well being, it’s teaching me how to be okay with myself, and most importantly it’s teaching me how to accept and take pride in myself as a black lgbtq woman. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave or not, but I know I’m ready to put all that I’m learning to practice for myself. I’m not the same person I was leaving high school, and I do not know who I will be entering university, but I know I’m ready to become whoever she may be in the future.

Here are some pictures from past months:

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^CARNIVAL

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^MY BEAUTIFUL COHORT

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^DAY AT THE PARK WITH NANCY AND TANURAH

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^BEAUTIFUL BEACH IN SAMBAQUI (AKA MY FAVORITE PLACE ON THE ISLAND)

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^VIEW FROM MY HOUSE TO THE BUS STOP


Natalie Kirunda