Flash back to December 2014 I sat in my old living room feeling quite out of place on the red plastic covered couch that soaked me in sweat while simply lounging around. I batted away incessant flies not even slightly deterred as I swatted one of their friends away for the 100th time that evening. My laptop screen glowed, and my eyes scanned Netflix as my parents and brothers slept upstairs. I was on a mission to find a Christmas movie. I was feeling far from home and even farther from family. Quickly I became frustrated as I couldn’t find a title that, for just 75 minutes, would put my mind and heart at rest, as I felt that I was home for the holidays. It was just then when I felt something welling up inside of me. I wanted to cry. I wanted comfort. I wanted the next 5 months to go by quickly. End of Flashback 7 weeks ago I arrived home from my Global Citizen Year and my family picked me up. I held them in my arms for the first time in what seemed like far too long. But as we scrambled into the car to head off for lunch I felt blank. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. I felt like my entire being was stopped up. So as we arrived at lunch that same feeling from December of last year returned, except this time I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know what I wanted. We walked into the restaurant and I mumbled something about needing to go the bathroom and waited for the door to close behind me as I burst into tears with confusion and fear clouding my mind and heart. This was not how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to return from this trip as Bennett 2000, recharged motivated and ready to take on the world, but I wasn’t. I’m not. Since I have returned from Ecuador, I have had glimpses of the incredible positive transformation that is happening within me, but for the most part I feel less productive and “put together”. All in all I don’t feel like me. Now as someone who like to be in control and has grand plans for the present and future, this scares the s**t out of me. What I remind myself is that I am in process. It was never about going, growing, and being. It is growing, growing and growing. The process continues whether I run off to east asia, Europe or 2 hours south of where I grew up, to attend college. I have just had my world twisted and the key to that is that this is all my world. My world doesn’t change when I am in Thousand Oaks, CA. I would be lying if I said I didn’t hope the extreme high and difficult lows start to level out soon, but right now all I can do is take a breath, open up and have a little patience.
About Bennett Quintard
Bennett is passionate about social entrepreneurship, increasing human happiness on a global level, religious understanding/tolerance, and music. He has served as a lacrosse captain on a championship team and as an international youth representative for his New Thought religion. His goals for this year are to become more aware of the world we live in, as well as to connect with a new family and community. His favorite quote is "In the fight for an ideal, we face those who are deceptive, envious and incompetent. The man who is firm pays no mind to such people an wastes no time counting them. For he who marches toward the light need not worry about what occurs in the darkness." - Ennio Amaral