Not All Brazilians Are Human: An Interview

For over a month now I have been living in a foreign country with four people, three dogs, a cat, and a variety of fowl. It’s time I gave you all an idea of what that’s like.



Brisa: Hi! My name is Brisa and I love alllll sorts of food (but meat is the best, any kind of meat: raw meat, stinky meat, chewy meat, filet mingon. Even bones.). I also love to go absolutely bonkers when anyone comes home and I always chase birds at the beach even when they’re in their middle of the big watery thing. People are my masters, as well as my food givers and playthings (hint: the food giving is the best part!). I am about eight inches tall, and like to snuggle up with people like a baby. I’m Brisa!



Peri: Hi! My name is Peri (pronounced Peh-Hee) and I love alllll sorts of food too (but meat is the best, any kind of meat: raw meat, stinky meat, chewy meat, filet mingon. Even bones. Oh I can munch on bones for hours. You wouldn’t even know an animal had bones after I was done with it). I’m the only one who knows how to roll over (I’m the oldest so my skills are more refined ?) and I go even bonkers-er (see, I had to make up a word to describe just how bonkers I go) when anyone comes home. People are my masters, as well as my food givers and playthings (hint: the food giving is the best part!)



Pacoqua: Hi! My name is Pacoqua and I’m four months old and have really floppy ears that turn into wings in the wind and I love all food but they never give me the good stuff even though the not-mes give me more food than anyone else I think the not-mes like the other mes better than me but then sometimes, the not-mes pick me up and dance with me and it’s so much fun because I get to play with them just like I play with the other mes and bite their weird paws and their ears and their cotton things and they love it because the not-mes love it when I chew on them they do it too each other too and I’m scared of a lot of things but definitely the bravest and..


IMG_2002Cisco: The imbeciles call me ‘Cisco.’ That is a monstrosity. My name is Francisco, named after the great…Well, there was definitely someone great named Francisco. No matter, I am a well refined specimen with a silky coat of black fur and a beautiful choir voice that I am quite sure the imbeciles enjoy hearing at all hours of the day. I enjoy food, naps, food and, food. The imbeciles work and toil all day while I eat, sleep, and even sh** occasionally. I have cracked the secret to life: find some creatures who are stupid enough to do everything for you and milk them for all they are worth. Thank you humans for your service.


Favorite Things To Do

Peri: Ooh Ooh, I’ve got one! I love it so much when people come home and I go sprinting as fast as I can to the gate so they think they get to play with me and right when they bend down to play I sprint the other way and chase Brisa as as fast as I can! It’s so much fun. I can just keep going back and forth and back and forth. It’s like a race track that never ends and I am the racecar!

Brisa: Well, when I was little, the big people did something to my private parts, but I still love playing Cowboys and Aliens with the non-dog thing. I’m pretty sure his name is ‘Gato’. Whatever he is, he is my trusty steed, I mount him and attempt to ride him but he never seems to go anywhere, ever. So, maybe he’s not very trusty, but I still like riding him.

Cisco: I fIMG_2003ing hate that dog. All she wants to do is play her stupid Cowboys and Aliens. Well newsflash dingbutt: I am not a horse, nor am I a dog, nor am I female so whatever you’re trying to initiate here, it’s not going to work. Now let me return to my intellectually stimulating slumber.



Pacoqua: Well there’s just so many things I like running jumping eating whining playing eating dancing oh but my favorite is attention I loove attention it’s the greatest invention since meat and I’m really good at getting it the not-mes give me all the love in the world and when they’re not giving me love I pout and they give me even more love it’s amazing all I need to do is try to jump onto the table and they feed me deliciousness and I try playing sometimes but it just ends up hurting Brisa is really mean sometimes and Peri is

One Thing You Wish You Could Change About The Other

Peri: Pacoqua needs to learn how to walk. He moves like a four year old bending a ruler back and forth and his tail always whacks into everything. He’s also a bit of a whiny-baby; always whimpering and staring when he doesn’t get any food because he can’t chew bones.

Pacoqua: I wish Brisa weren’t so scary looking she kinda looks like a piglet-crocodile hybrid with mousy whiskers I get nightmares sometimes even though she likes to play with me more than the rest and

Cisco: I am quite certain Peri is an impostor; he is most definitely a bear. He looks like one, talks like one, even eats like one. I thought bears didn’t live in Brazil, that’s why I moved here, I hate bears. When I was little I had to fight off bears just to find a comfortable place to nap. These bears were the size of dogs! It was frightening. I worked hard for this artificially elevated position in the food chain so that I can dream about the nap I shall take tomorrow. I don’t want to have to deal with anymore bears.

Brisa: Gato! My trusty steed! We still haven’t caught any aliens. But maybe that’s because we never seem to get into a good gallop, or a trot, or even a crawl for that matter. I just sort of mount you from behind and attempt to spur you forward. One day. You and I my trusty Gato, we will feast on the fine flavors of alien flesh from across the yard. Those winged creatures who tempt us with their feathery deliciousness will be ours for the taking. We will be champions! One day…

A Brief PSA from the forgotten fowl.