I was flipping through my Spanish exercise book the other day (searching for any notes to aid me in my never-ending struggle with the subjunctive tense) and I stumbled upon a super rough poem I’d jotted down a few months ago. It was written in a state of extreme frustration and although it’s set/heavily influenced by my time in Ecuador, it is in no way confined to my experience here. In a sense, it’s been a lifetime in the making. Side note: there are a lot of cultural references that I’ll asterisk and explain later on. Before we get started, though, it’s probably worth noting that novio=boyfriend. Here we go…
mi NOvio
my novio likes long walks on the beach
forcing meaning onto star constellations
and never misses a sunset
my novio will eat all the vegetables that i sneakily push to the side
and knows all the words to whiskisito*
my novio dances salsa and never cries out when i step on his toes
but my novio is relieved that i never wear heels
my novio call me corazon and i call him my älskling**, because we’re multicultural like that
my novio makes me his woman crush wednesday and likes all my instagram photos
my novio even deleted his tinder
my novio is like oreos, humitas and agua aromatica***
meaning my novio is a SNACK
my novio is six foot two****
my novio understands that you can’t be racist against white people and it doesn’t matter what she was wearing and water is not wet
so i overlook the fact that my novio’s puns are better than mine
my novio makes me feel safe
like the calmness that follows adrenaline rush of “i can’t find my phone oh it’s in my hand”
or walking down the street alone at night with keys lodged between my fingers
my novio has never met my mother or my friends
although i’m sure they’re seeing him too
see, the only people i’ve introduced him to are sidewalk terrors that won’t take “no” for an answer
until they find out they’re infringing on someone else’s property
the men who make vapour of their rejection
waft it away and try again
do not make vapour of my novio
he means more to them than my obvious disinterest
so i use my novio as a weapon
as my “no”
at times i feel like i use him as an excuse until i realise i have nothing to be sorry for
it wasn’t love at first sight with my novio
and he was far from my first choice
i only gave him a shot after
“no”, “dejame solita” and “basta”*****
just didn’t seem to work out
the break up went something like
“it’s not you; it’s the men who feel entitled and obligated to remind me again and again that the space i occupy in this patriarchal society is not mine and i should not feel safe in it.”
(earlier draft: “it’s not you; it’s the patriarchy”)
the first time i told anyone about my novio
he didn’t have a name, a face or a personality
but by now i’ve talked about him so much that he might as well be real
most of all, he is everything that the man catcalling me is not
(so like, a decent human being)
my novio likes long walks on the beach
protecting me from riptides and hidden glass
and sharks who make me bleed lies
*An Ecuadorian song that will be played at any given public event. Contact Alex Moreno for more information.
** Swedish term of endearment. Along the lines of “my love”.
*** A type of sweet tamale and tea, respectively.
**** 1.88m
***** “no”, “leave me alone”, “enough”
