I woke up to a surprisingly cold (weather-wise) reminder that it was my birthday. For a split-second I felt like it was home because the shiver as I woke reminded me of autumn, except here it is spring. I also woke up to an unfamiliar site for someone like me at this time of the year, it wasn’t filled with a fiery red, yellow and orange scene of trees and leaves and dying grass on a lawn outside.
The whole process actually started when I accidentally tapped my phone and a million messages went of in a series of ‘bling’s’ which, as I was opening my eyes sounded more like “BLINGGG(S)!!!!!!!!!” at 7.30am.
I didn’t wake up to a breakfast ready on the table, to so many hugs and kisses and an instant call from my grandma’s trying to get in one of the first “happy birthday darling I miss you(s)!!!” That is because I haven’t been home for autumn for god knows how long, that is now more of a childhood memory, something akin to “the pre-18 years” section.
Realistically, I am never quite going to experience my birthday in the same way again, mainly because of the path I have chosen to take, which honestly I am walking down blindfolded and not entirely sure when it changes. It is journalling and blogging and all the things I find in my drawers and the pictures on my phone that remind me of what I picked up along away. Then it is also the things I don’t find in drawers, but instead in the everyday things I see on the street, or waiting at the traffic light, or when find that thing in my bag, that remind me of OH! that one time, when I was with…
To be frank with you, homesickness and a longing for a past is not a common thing for me, and sometimes people look at me weird when I say I don’t really miss home. I have sort of spread myself a little far for 19, so home was never really made one place, but instead a lot of pinpoints on a map and a lot of faces on a lot of countries. I don’t regret it, but there is that singular day in a year, that reminds me of what I did on that day for every year that passed and who I saw that day and who summarised our relationship up for me, to top it off with a congratulations/tillykke. It does remind me of who I end up being on 28/10 each year and who helped me get there, people and situations that I long for once again.
I love where I am at, and I miss where I was. I grow in my discomfort, and I miss the warmth of knowing. My drive is inspired by the instability, and I hope to return to some stability.