I am struggling with the fact that am not, anymore…

Deepa Gayadin - India


April 14, 2020

You learn from the past, how your present was shaped to decide your future. If this is true then, I am and have to, compare my life now and then. People come and go, memories are made and fade, rain followed by rainbows, clouds to storm… but one thing does not change- my relationship with change. 
I change, a change changing me, changing myself or me changing the course of things. The two constants in my life seem to be me and changes. 
Now time for the bitter-sweet, classic-cliche and general yet so specific time to share a quote:
The only constant in life is change”-Heraclitus.
Now that my intro is done, let us get back to my struggles but first a disclaimer that this is just how I chose to represent or see things and this is not in any way intended to shame, preach, boast etc. 
I struggle with routines 
I struggle with wanting to feel
I want to feel what I can't in a routine. 
What I haven't in so long 
More things to do does not mean no struggle, does not mean new emotions or more feelings.
but the struggle still is, keeping through once its a routine. Similar to relationships; making friends can be easy but keeping them can be difficult, the opposite exists too but my blog is about the struggle of keeping up. 
I remember last year wishing to be in a good mood and energetic so that I could focus and sit and work but now I wish for instability. I want those conflicts, sadness etc not for the sake of growth but for the sake of feeling like I am living. 
I do not want to stop treading carefully but I want to make more mistakes 
It is cliche but the purpose of life was never to be happy but fulfilled -don't remember who said it 
Not discrediting struggle of  people with depression nor people of the other extreme so-called positive opposite of it (euthymia )
My struggle is the monotonous life I feel am living now, not that am settled – 02.12.19 
That was me in December, 3 months into the country I felt like I was not feeling things. I now wonder if I was too lost in my head to open up to things or maybe my bias against the country surpass me. I had a routine which I was living as a programmed object. I started to look for things to do but I still could not snap out of it. 
I now wonder if that numbness was because too much was happening or too little. I might never know but what I know now is independent travel allowed me to connect back with myself. 
Now I look back and try to find what caused that disconnectedness, though I am glad it happened I realized I cannot work on mobile data with myself, we talk too much we need WiFi, and if you were in India you'd feel the difference. You value the WiFi at home.
I thought I had nothing new to connect with; in this routine when in fact I was just too disconnected with myself to connect with anything else  – 06.04.20
The amount of disclaimers (or acknowledgement of the other side) in this post shows how much I was scared of being judge back then, I do mind criticism or debate but I do mind being suppressed. – Wait for the blog that gives this story an end; from offline to online. 

Deepa Gayadin