Fears at 3 am: “To be or Not to
be that Is the question?”
I want to be
brutally honest with you guys when I tell you that it is currently 3:33 in the
morning. I am currently in a netted bed with mosquitoes ready to devour my skin
to the point where they think I am a blood drive, my laptop highlighting me as
a buffet. My roommates or fellows are sleeping right aside me as I debate how
much noise I am making as I type, the empath in me fearing if I’ll wake them
up. Back home in Eastern time it is now 6:03 pm meaning that by the time it is
5 am over here in Pune, India I’ll be calling my mom to tell her that I am okay
at 8:03 pm ( 8:00 pm if I am punctual). The reason I am up so early is because
I can’t get out of my head. Its only been a few days but if I am being honest,
I feel kind of lonely….
justified to say this?
There has just
been so much going on amongst the bugs who have become my daily sleeping
partners and the lack of toilet paper to accompany my western privilege. Honestly,
I want to shower right now because I feel oozy, sweaty, and overall disgusting
but I know that at 3:00 am if I ran a splash of water my roommates will become
my new angry neighbors next door.
Don’t get me
twisted, feeling lonely doesn’t mean that I overall hate my trip. It has only
been three days and I can honestly say that taking this bridge year has been
the best thing I have done for my mental health in years. Being in the remote
location of a dormitory school in Pune,India, surrounded by nature has allowed
me to do many things such as: 1. Internally focusing on my present and 2. Checking
my privilege constantly as over here I really recognize how “American” I am. I
‘ve also been eating really healthy in a heavy comparison of my “American” diet
of chicken wings, fries, chips, and overall processed garbage.
I am happy to be
here, but I also feel it is valid for you to understand the purpose of my word “lonely.”
In point I feel out of place. I am happy to be here but once again my brain is
debriefing the comfort zone I previously just left. It is now currently 4:01 as
I say this, but I am having a hard time building relationships with my cohort.
Not in the bad way, like I’ve made mini conversations here and there, but like
long and lasting friendships that can grow me as an individual. The people are
nice, bilingual, and just like me barely adulting, but I am so scared that I am
just not interesting enough for people to want to be friends with. Yes, I know
it has been two weeks and I already sound like a horse desperate for popularity
water, but I am not seeking popularity, I am seeking the confidence I once had
four weeks ago that told me everything was going to be alright. I guess I feel
lonely because I feel unsure about myself for the first time in years. I am
questioning my ability to make friends because I haven’t had to make friends in
a long time. I am questioning the
understanding of my life I once lived. It’s weird, you may not understand me
right now and I may be delusional because of my lack of shower, but that is how
I feel and for the first time in a long time I want to feel and I don’t care
how pretentious that sounds.
I have time to
think and believe. I am not in school, I am not at work, and for the first time
in a long time I don’t have structure. In a way I’ve always been a loner, but a
lot of the times outside factors allowed me to ignore that. All this talk of being
lonely but not one mention of being homesick, which I don’t think I am. It is
now 4:17 am and I can hear my conclusion going into a downward spiral to
validate myself. I’ll talk to you guys later.
P.S. I think I am making one good
friend and her name is Keylee. She just came up to me to ask why I am up.
Honest to God I don’t know. Apparently, I am unsure about a lot of things.