Doubt Kills

I feel like I somewhat always knew there was an option besides going to college or working straight out of high school. I just didn’t know what answer I was looking for. I could see myself going to a university, but I didn’t really like the person I saw myself envisioning in college.
Well here I am in Brazil, taking a bridge year. It’s been almost two months since I arrived and I’m realizing that these next seven months are going to fly by. Sort of what everyone said about senior year of high school. Lately, I’ve had these strange emotions about taking this bridge year. I got the placement I wanted, but was expecting to have daily struggles of cold showers or eating just rice and beans. I got an apprenticeship that is related to the career I want to pursue.. But, I feel so young and hopeless starting my job.
During my first month here I asked myself “What are you doing here and why?” When everything I wanted, I made happen. But slowly, I realized that the reason why I doubted taking the year off was because I took this HUGE risk. A risk that so many people are not willing to do. A person giving a successful representation in college is a higher priority. I don’t blame them. And that’s when I know I made the right choice of being here. Although, in my head I might have a little doubt about why I’m here, in my heart I know I would not change this experience for anything.
I’m not happy, but I’m okay. There’s something that’s missing and I think it’s me accepting where I am. I have no control over it now. I thought I was just going to arrive and it would all come to me. But no, this experience is what I make of it. I mean I knew that from the beginning but really didn’t doubt I was going to have trouble with it.
I prepared myself for this lifestyle, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I become so numb when I think about how far I actually am from my family and the language barrier I face with the locals. I knew it wasn’t going to be rainbows and butterflies. The one struggle I am having to face in Brazil is simply fighting myself.