“Dear Mama”

Here is descriptive writing , the first of 3 in a series of small journals titled “ Dear Mama”. I wrote them with in the first month of being in India. They represent things were going on and feelings I wanted to tell my mom but for some reason never planned on sending them to her. I wanted to share the first one to see if I could get some perspective about how I am feeling about India in my last month.

Dear Mama,

Today I climbed a mountain but more importantly I got down that mountain. I would love for you to see the view of the top of this mountain. It was the the most wonderful magical view and I cried when I saw it. In the middle I was reminded about actually how much I don’t like to hike even though I tell you do. But when I finally got to the top that didn’t matter. I’m sorry I didn’t bring my phone so I couldn’t take a picture but I can describe it to you another time. As I am writing this I think how perfect of a metaphor this would be for what I have been going though or maybe what I want the end of this to look like.

This is more a metaphor of what I want this year to be not the reality of the situation. I am working hard to climb to the top and even though it's hard I keep pushing and in the end I finally make it, even though my host sister and her friends got there so much faster than I did, I still made it.  On the surface that is what one may see. The beginning and the middle and every step I take is hard but I push through with the support of the amazing people I have meet and the friends that I have made to keep me going ( or in the case of today the 40-50 ish random men I meet that were having just as hard of time as me that more kept yelling at me Challo Challo which means Let’s go Let’s go).

When you climb a mountain you can look up and see the top which encourages you to  keep going because every once in awhile you look up and the top is a little closer than it was the last time you looked up. And when you look down the view is beautiful even though you haven’t made it yet and it nice to see what you have already accomplished. But mama when I look up I can’t see the top or even the next part I have to get through. There is nothing that is encouraging me to keep going. And when I look down to see where I have been the view is mostly times when I have been sad and just wanted to go home and it's not pretty at all.

I don’t tell you this so you can feel sorry for me, I just want to explain what is going on. It hard to keep yourself going when the future and the past are hard.  I know that's part of it and they said it was going to be a lot of ups and downs but saying it is much easier than doing it. I’m not saying that everything has been bad. I love the other fellows and my team leaders and people I have meet . At catch 3 there was this little area where there were giant sprinklers that made the area seem like it was raining and it was called the rain dance. We were all blasting music and dancing like nothing mattered. Or the campfire where we sat around late into the night playing music and danced. We are a family and I don’t want to let that go but at the same time I don’t know how to be my own hand to hold.

Love you lots,