Blog 2

Emily Marin - Ecuador


September 1, 2019

Balance 


“Show your feelings. You have every right to be emotional this year.” Said Mark from the staff. I keep replying this in my head but then I think of my nino who told me to not look back because this will be hard. To keep on going and to push myself. So who do I listen to? August 30, 2019 was an emotional train wreck for me and my loved ones. I remember when I was little going to church was this spiritual realm where you let yourself go to god. My dad would hold me tightly (to the point where it would be suffocating) and pray for me. I hated holding back because I knew I would sob. So when this day came when he said goodbye to me he could not even give me a proper hug. I had broken the strongest person in my life and in this moment all I wished for was that suffocating hug. He shouted in sadness and pain for me to be ok. For god to bring me back to him. For god to take care of me. I took a piece of my dads heart. Trying to hug my dad felt as if I was trying catch a liquid with my hands open. I felt as if he was slipping into an unreversable sadness. His shouts although were from a place of pain were also from a place of anger for the unjust world for taking his daughter away. As the shouts came to an end I heard the crying of my sisters. It was heartbreaking to see that they understood but like Nephie said, “all ages understand absence”. Amaris was suffocating in her own words not being able to piece more than the same sentence together. “I am going to miss you” and Abi not even being able to piece that sentence together. I hug them but it’s not like any other hug they have given me. It is bittersweet. They cannot even manage to hug me back. But the pain doesn’t end there. I turn to see the women who has taken care of me for the past 18 years drowning in her own tears I hug her tightly knowing i am not the first of her kids to leave her and although she has gone through this pain before she will be ok. I am writing this sobbing but I realize that I have an answer to my question and it is simply put by the fact that there is a balance of what Mark and my Nino said. I let myself feel everything with my family but now I am going stronger than ever because I will push myself to be the best person I can be knowing I will get homesick and miss the little things. I will miss my dad scaring me every single second and my sisters forcing me to play the newest game they got and my grandma waking me up at the crack of dawn to go to the store with her. But I will get back to that so for now all we can all do is to remember all the memories regardless of good or bad and keep on going because you are exactly where you need to be right now. 

Emily Marin