at a loss

Sophia Youngdahl - Senegal


May 21, 2019

Being back here brings with it a strange sort of serendipity; the type that creeps into my mind in fleeting moments and instills within me a feeling of closure. Most times, however, it seems as though I am grasping at memories that are slipping through my hands like sand. It frustrates me to no end; The colors and sounds and smells of Senegal seem like a vivid waking dream. It is difficult to think about and even more difficult to describe how far I now feel from that vibrant, colorful experience. I find myself stumbling over my words as I try, and fail, to describe facets of my experience to those who eagerly claim they want to hear everything. How can I melt my experience down to just words? I have always been a proponent of the power words hold, of the millions of things they can encompass; and yet, for the first time in my life, I find myself truly at a loss. I loved and I laughed and I cried and I found that home I so eagerly awaited upon writing my first blog nine months ago. I found best friends that I know will be with me for the rest of my life and grew in strange ways I did not think I needed. And those words still can’t describe the mosaic of colors and sights and smells and emotions that rests in my mind.

I miss it, man. I really, really do.

Those words seem to be the only ones I can find right now.

I know this is short and fairly un-eloquent, but I can find no other authentic way to describe this feeling of moving forward yet remaining in the past and being pulled between the two.

Thank you all for being there with me through reading these words. While you read these ones I will try to find my own so as to properly describe the place and people who will now remain with me for the rest of my life. I hope to find them soon.

Love always,

Adja Fall


Sophia Youngdahl